First: I have no scanner. I have not had a scanner for a very very long time now. It's redic-a-lous. It's so redicilous, that I am forbidden to spell or pronounce that word right at all. And if you can't tell, I never got to taking photos of that model. I haven't even been to Becket since that last journal entry... which was over a year ago. I've been asked plenty of times. He's even offered to pay (usually we just do Time For CD) but I just haven't been able to do it.

Everything's up in the air right now. I'd like to play pretend and live in the moment forever and keep eating this easter bunny, keep smoking this cigarette, but time keeps passing o.o'... deadlines are approaching, people will be leaving, I'll probably get kicked out with all this chaos, and I've got to get my ass in gear.

But that won't change anything.

I have 3.6 billion thoughts running through my mind. If I know you, you're probably in my head right now in some way or another. Lotsa thoughts.

Hah. Lots of RANDOM ones too. Although that's nothing new.
Like at work, it'll be slow at front end, and a customer will finally come up to my register and I get the sudden urge to tag them and go "you're it!" and run away o.o. So whenever I think stuff like that and I'm about to check out their stuff, I start laughing, and then they give me odd looks.
Working at a hippie store's pretty cool. O.o We get the weirdest questions, I swear I can never freakin' answer them. I was once asked if we had Red Yeast Rice.... it turned out to be an herbal medication. Why can't I ever be asked if we have MILK?? "Why YES! I can show you EXACTLY where! ^_^"
Wtf, and sodium-free hot dogs? Never heard of that, or organic peeps either.

Good stuff.

Tomorrow I open my first bank account. Weee. For college money.

It's 4am. Why aren't I sleeping? -.-

Yeah, they're photos of me, but I'm not putting them up here because I want to show myself off or something, I'm trying to actually take good photos, and I don't have a model. I'll be working with a model this month, and I'll actually have pictures of someone besides me, but until then, there will be photos I took, of me.

So deal.

Pretend it's not me in the photo or something, I don't know.

Also need a better camera than this, a real camera, but without money that's not really an option right now.

^^ Yeah, so I finally resurected my scanner FROM TEH DEPTHS OF TEH UNDERVORLD, and now I have all my drawings on my computer (dating all the way back to... last August and maybe even July I think, actually, I found some that even go back to 2 years ago), and I'll be posting them one or two at a time. AND YES, some of them will be gothy or mopey or whiney -.- or all weird and stuff, that's right. Deal with it NATE, yeah, I'm talkin to you, ya little punk-ass-bitch O.o. Ya wanna go? o.O That's right, course ya don't, you can't mess with poison master! (I don't know what I'm talking about someone please help me). Oh yes, also, some of the crap I drew will also suck, because it's from JULY, and I sucked then. Also, I will be adding things to the scrap section, just because. El Fin!

Anyways um... Still reading up on hypnosis... yeah, fun stuff. I wanna try it on someone, so I'm looking for a guinea pig, anyone, anyone? o.o (yes, be my SLAAAVE!!!) >>... << Ignore the parenthesis... >.< They mean nothing!

Oh yeah, and Hannah, I could always scan something for you if you wanted ^^ because my scanner's all fixed now and I love scanning things. GIMME! Love ya ^^.

--Rebeka: The God Of Perfection And Discord

TA DA. o.o

Well the lack of recent artwork here is not just me being lazy for once... I actually have been drawing and sketching and painting a lot (and doing photo editing too). But... with all my artwork that is on paper my scanner is out of order, and there is no way of putting it on the computer.... so it's hopeless for now.

OTher than that... I am miserable. And I mean that in the most dead inside way possible. I feel dead inside, or at least, like I am dying. What is happiness? Is it not having to stop and think about all this? IS it not having to be a deep thinker and contemplate all the time and brood over shit that doesn't seem to really matter in the end? Memories are supposed to matter right? Your experiences? They just seem to make my wounds burn more. There I go again, sounding stupid and poetic and not meaning to... I just mean that... I hate having to look back on times when I was actually happy, and think.... wow.... what the hell happened to me?

People have verbally taken me by the shoulders and shaken me and said "why can't you be happy???" and I want to take them by the shoulders back and shake them and say "why can't you open your eyes and realize that happiness doesn't just fall from the sky and appear from nowhere, it isn't born from nothingness...!!" I feel like I have nothing to tell you the truth. Sure, my friends are here. But... they all seem... to be happy in their own way. Everyone has somebody, whether it is a girlfriend/boyfriend, a friend, a close companion, a close relative... someone they can talk to when things get tough... I don't really feel close to anyone in particular. I try to be, but I feel so distant from people in general. Lately I just find myself seperating off from my group because I just can't even be myself anymore. I become quiet and anti social and all I do is draw and listen to music now.

Here is how the cycle goes... I become angry and frustrated and I can't do anything with that anger, it goes nowhere, there is no way for me to express it, some might say "oh, write a poem or draw" but that is not enough. Then I sit there and my frustration rots and festers inside me and it easily slides into this feeling of hopelessness and despair and complete lonliness... then I cry and after sometime of doing this... I find myself in tears days later and I am laying there saying "why am I even crying anymore??" It is pathetic, I hate it, I hate what I have become, I cannot stop it, when will I be happy again?

Then there is the next stage, the state of numbness, where I do not care anymore, about my well being or others. I just do not care. And it goes on for a little while, until I break and crumble and again the anger and sadness comes in like a flood, because I feel so alone, and I know that even though I am good at pretending I am happy sometimes, I am so fucking miserable... Not dead, not yet. But dying. A beating heart and breathing lungs can only go so far, but the soul seems to be withering.